The Diary Of Harry Potter
by icefire-lioness
Summary: This is written in the same style as my voldemort the great one. Will be chaptered. Harry is in angst. Some slash mentioned.


**AN-** Hi! Ok, so...have just gone back through this after getting that TERRIBLE review from someone, and realised that the goblin quote was from something (I still can't remember what), and the only reason I didn't say that the first time was because...see, I have this problem, where I write things that I think come from my own head, but actually sometimes they DONT and I've just forgotten cos the thing was ages ago. SO I would really appreciate it if people could tell me if I do that and then I can add the appropriate disclaimers. Also, just so you know - I am neither Helen Fielding, nor JK Rowling (unfortunately), which you should be able to tell as I am not ROLLING IN IT. Thankyou.

**Monday 15 ****April**

_8st 6(Actually gaining weight? Think is entirely possible. Must be the extra Quidditch practise Oliver makes us do. Bloody mad, he is.), status of Voldemort: alive (well. As alive as a soulless, bloodsucking monster can be. Unfortunate anyway. Should probably work out another brainless plan to kill him really. Haven't done anything for a couple of weeks. Is boring.), Girlfriends: 0 (honestly. Think am possibly the only man alive whose fame _doesn't_ get him chicks. V. upsetting.)_

**6.45pm**

I hate my life.

**6.46pm**

Wonder if it hurts to kill yourself.

**6.47pm**

Probably. Damn. Well, that plan sucks. Like my life.

**6.48pm**

Cannot believe how unlucky one guy can possibly be.

Is v. sad.

I mean, bloody people coming up to me all the time telling me I should be _happy_. They don't know what am going through.

Well, they should.

If were really serious fans, they would know all the tiny intricacies of my brain. Bloody wannabes.

I could show them a bit about crazy fan worship.

Just mention Draco Malfoy.

Is bloody delicious.

Not that would know, _per se_, as have never _tasted_ the gorgeous man.

Oh. Just remembered.

He said the funniest thing today in Potions.

Snape was striding up and down classroom, as is wont to do.

Then Draco says, in that lovely drawly voice he has that makes me slobber everywhere, "Potions is the most boring class in the _world_."

Then he turned around and flicked a snail shell at me.

Had to control myself from laughing.

Obviously would not look good if laughed at Draco Malfoy as is "arch nemesis".

But, I mean, how hilarious is he?

The whole _world_?

Really, so boring that there is no other class _anywhere _in the _world_?

Riotous.

Nearly coughed up mucus was trying so hard not to laugh.

He looked at me strangely but think he conceded I was just a mental case.

Sad really, as is so gorgeous and I will never ever be with him.

Even though am Harry Potter.

Cannot believe it.

I hate my life.

**6.52pm**

Am v. tired. Think should sleep now. Am already in bed, so would only be a matter of turning over and closing eyes. Should do that.

**6.57pm**

Oh, though. Is only v. early.

**6.58pm**

Would ruin reputation.

**6.59pm**

Stupid reputation. Stupid fame. Stupid life.

**7.00pm**

Stupid…everything.

**7.01pm**

Wonder what it would be like to _not _be in the Depths of Despair.

**7.02pm**

Boring, probably.

**7.06pm**

Alright. Wallowing is always fun, but have decided need to take action. Brainless plot to get rid of Voldemort is in order.

**7.07pm**

Am so brave. Saying his name like that. Am like a…martyr. No, though. That's not the right word.

**7.09pm**

Bloody word. Evading me like that.

**7.10pm**

Feel stupid.

**7.11pm**

Brainless, dim-witted, idiotic, dumb, unintelligent, dense, slow, thick.

**7.12pm**

Ha! Take that, people who call me stupid! I am like my very own thesaurus. Smashing, another big word. Thesaurus. Makes me feel intelligent.

**7.13pm**

Right, brainless plot…hmm….

**7.14pm**

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

**7.16pm**

Stupid Ron, giving me a heart attack.

**7.17pm**

On second thoughts….Do that again, Ron!

**7.18pm**

Dammit. Bloody idiot didn't hear me. Too busy humming 'no woman no cry'.

**7.29pm**

DAMNABLE HUMMING. Need to throttle something. Preferably Ron.

**7.32pm**

Right. Plot. Thinking.

**7.33pm**

Got it! Will…oh though. Would involve too many forks.

**7.34pm**

Could perhaps use spoons _and_ forks…?

**7.35pm**

But where would I get so much cutlery?

**7.36pm**

Enough of that plan. Is obviously not daft enough.

**7.37pm**

Ha! Thought of another synonym! Am so smart!

**7.40pm**

Hm. Brainless plot…Ah, got one! Will set up an intricate series of ropes and pulleys, designed to drop an anvil at the exactly right moment on VOLDEMORT'S HEAD!

**7.41pm**

Am v. brilliant.

**7.42pm**

Oh though. Where _is _Voldemort?

**7.43pm**

Okay. I know. Instead of that, will lure Voldemort to Hogsmeade, with promises of sweets and me, dead. Should do the trick. Then, will be waiting outside Honeydukes in invisibility cloak and when He Who Must Die A Very Painful Death At My Hands arrives, will get out wand and PAMF! Dead Dark Lord.

**7.44pm**

Like that plan.

**7.45pm**

Tomorrow will ask Her Bushy Haired-ness to read up on what sweets Voldemort likes. Should be somewhere.

**7.58pm**

Stupid Ron. Thinking he is so good. Just came in to tell me that should come down to dinner. Obviously does not want me there _really_, but Hermione would have said something to him along the lines of; "if you don't get him down here in two seconds, Ronald, I will not snog you for AGES! Like, TWENTY MINUTES."

**7.59pm**

Because they are constantly snogging. In case you didn't get that. I mean, it could have been just because I'm extra smart, and I understand these things. Anyway.

**8.00pm**

I hate my life. I wish someone would understand the pain I am going through right now. This is no normal teenage angst – this is full blown clinical depression, just so you know.

**8.01pm**

Ron just came back in. He sits down on the bed and starts talking to me in that slow voice like "let's be the loveliest person in the entire room for no fathomable reason even though really I am dumb as a dung beetle."

**8.02pm**

Actually, dung beetles aren't all that dumb. They make stuff out of DUNG. That's pretty cool. So, like, dumb as a flobber worm or something.

**8.03pm**

Anyways. So he goes; "Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry."

Hate when he repeats my name. Makes me feel like some kind of weird Extra Person who has been replicated multiple times, or possibly Dolly the Sheep.

So then he goes; "Harry. We need to talk. About…" and then waved his hands around expressively because obviously had _no _idea what was supposed to be talking to me about, but Hermione must have threatened him with a snog-less hour or something. And then he yells down the stairs "HERMIONE! GET UP HERE! I CAN'T TALK TO HIM! HE JUST GAVE ME THE EVIL EYE AND THEN TRIED TO STRANGLE HIMSELF WITH THE BED CORD!" in a wild panic.

I mean, what kind of idiot can't deal with a tiny problem like that? Obviously has brain difficulties.

Anyway. So Hermione comes madly rushing up the stairs in manner of Prince Charming to rescue Damsel in Distress, possibly from dragon or other such distress causing thing – in this case, witnessing my death by bed clothes.

And she hurls herself across the room and untangles me, ignoring my protests that actually, would _prefer_ to die.

Then she sits me back down on the bed, making sure to keep the duvet out of reach (damn her). She takes my hand and looks at me seriously.

"Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry."

Oh god. Here we go.

"We're scared for you, Harry. You're constantly trying to top yourself, and personally I don't think that's good for your health."

You think?

"Why are you so depressed Harry? You can tell me…"

"Alright." I say, glaring at Ron, who scuttles off into a corner.

"My life is crap." I start, but she, being the rude person she is, interrupts me.

"It's not SO bad, Harry! You have us, after all."

Yeah, right. And _that's_ really making me feel better.

"Anyway. As I was saying. I was bought up in a cupboard. Which has, if you haven't already noticed, caused STUNTING, not to mention claustrophobia and an increasingly bad fear of bacon."

"What has that got to do with…?"

"Shh! My parents are _dead_, and I had to WITNESS that, which, I think, has caused me also to have a terrible phobia of green lights (which isn't good when I have to cross the road) and wands (which isn't good because I am a wizard), oh, and also makes me a bit scared of death by Dark Lord. But not so much as the green lights. Or bacon."

"I still don't see…"

"AND! When I was being brutally attacked by that guy who actually turned out to be my Godfather…what was his name…?"

"Sirius?"

"Right. I think that caused some deeply rooted phobias from my past to rear their ugly heads. For example – death by big black scary dog thing ripping my intestines out and skwiffing them all out on the floor, death by being held at wand point, and also, bacon."

"I…"

Coughed loudly to show I wasn't done.

"And THEN, I got a progressively worse apprehension regarding isolation."

Smiled because had just used four v. big words in one sentence.

"Then when he LEFT, I was just like, 'wow! My godfather, I had him, and then…I didn't' and it was like a….like an epiphany, because I realised that everyone I loved was going to leave me eventually."

"Oh, Harry…"

"SHUT UP, WOMAN!"

Took in a couple of calming breaths. Wish she would stop interrupting.

"And now, I'm just…so lonely. Plus, I mean, am constantly surrounded by FREAKING GOBLINS AND SHIT!"

"But they're magical goblins, Harry!" Ron piped up from the corner.

Threw a brick at him.

It missed and made a hole in the wall.

Dammit.

"That doesn't stop me from thinking they'll come into my room and tear all my skin off like in some kind of freaky alien movie!"

I yelled back, after Ron had stopped shielding his head.

Then Hermione hugged me extremely tightly so that I could hardly breathe, let alone tell her to get the hell away from me, and started telling me all the reasons why I should be happy and how much everyone loved me and blah, blah, blah.

Which was just really, really, crashingly, fist-eatingly boring.

**8.46pm**

I think I'll kill them tonight.


End file.
